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Lies and Lying
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Break Up and a Broken Heart
About Susie and Otto
The Revenge Affair: How to Resist the
By Susie and Otto Collins
Kim is the most faithful person in the world. She has never
on a test. She always told her parents the truth when she
up. And, she has always been monogamous with any guy she was
Now that Kim has irrefutable proof that her current
Andrew, has been cheating on her almost the entire time
together and with a few different women, she is questioning
policy to always be faithful.
She is angry and hurt. She
get back at Andrew somehow. Having an affair sort of seems
good way to let him know how horrible it feels to be cheated
The only problem is, Kim is worried that Andrew won't care.
wants to find a way to win him back and repair the damage to
relationship. She fears that her infidelity will backfire
At the same time, Kim feels like she has no other option. If
confronts him about his infidelity, she believes he'll only
and try to placate her with flowers or dinner out. That's
done in the past and, temporarily, it worked.
Kim has decided that it's time to take drastic action.
she picks up the phone to call a guy who was hitting on her
If you have discovered that your partner is having (or had)
affair. It's understandable that, like Kim, you might be
decide what you will do.
Will you just leave the relationship and be done with him or
Will you try to pretend that the affair didn't happen or
happening and attempt continue on as usual?
Will you confront your mate and demand that he or she stop
These questions may be running through your mind. You might
feeling the impulse to do something to lash out at your
hurting you in this way. A revenge affair may have crossed
The temptation to get back at or send a message to your
partner by having an affair of your own can pull at you pretty
seem like there's "no other way" to really communicate to
what you want to say-- even if you know the probable and
consequences of you breaking trust as well.
Yes, even though your partner has already broken trust by
having an affair, you cheating is only going to tear you two apart
Any short-term "benefits" of you having an affair will be
overshadowed by plenty of negatives and drawbacks-- many of
include you feeling even more hurt.
Explore ALL of your feelings...without acting on them.
Even though you might be itching to DO something about this
information that you've just found out or that you've just
(that your partner is cheating), we do not recommend that
you take an
action right now.
If at all possible, put off talking with your partner and,
definitely, don't embark on a
Now is not the time to further complicate your life with
relationship, even if you don't consider the cheating to
be a relationship.
Find a quiet and private space and give yourself permission
out any and all feelings you are having.
punch, paper or pictures to burn (in a fireplace or
container), pencil and paper to write down how you feel and
else comes to you. Put on loud music and dance, stomp your
Get those feelings out in some way that is not damaging to
What all of this does is to give you some initial clarity.
helps you burn off some energy so that you aren't quite so
do something rash like have a revenge affair.
Honestly assess your current relationship situation.
There will likely be more waves of strong emotion that come
you surrounding your partner's
infidelity and your
Create time in the future to do whatever works to help you
When you feel some release and clarity, it's time to assess
current situation and make some decisions.
Even if these are
in-the-moment decisions and not longer-term decisions, make them
as clear and calm as possible.
Look at what you know and listen to what you need right now.
example, you might need some temporary space from your
make a decision about whether you'll stay in this
You might need to have the difficult conversation with him
or her to
find out what's next.
If you do want to try to rebuild trust
restore your relationship after infidelity, when you
your partner, have specific ideas for how you want your
prove to you that he or she is trustable again.
There are actions that you'll need to take-- forgiving and
not living in the past-- but your partner has to be willing to
work too. This has got to be a team effort.
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