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Surviving Affairs

The Revenge Affair: How to Resist the Temptation

By Susie and Otto Collins

Kim is the most faithful person in the world. She has never cheated on a test. She always told her parents the truth when she was growing up. And, she has always been monogamous with any guy she was dating.


Now that Kim has irrefutable proof that her current boyfriend, Andrew, has been cheating on her almost the entire time they've been together and with a few different women, she is questioning her
policy to always be faithful.

She is angry and hurt. She wants to get back at Andrew somehow. Having an affair sort of seems like a good way to let him know how horrible it feels to be cheated on.

The only problem is, Kim is worried that Andrew won't care. She wants to find a way to win him back and repair the damage to their relationship. She fears that her infidelity will backfire and she'll
lose him.

At the same time, Kim feels like she has no other option. If she confronts him about his infidelity, she believes he'll only deny it and try to placate her with flowers or dinner out. That's what he's done in the past and, temporarily, it worked.

Kim has decided that it's time to take drastic action. Nervously, she picks up the phone to call a guy who was hitting on her at a party recently.

If you have discovered that your partner is having (or had) an affair. It's understandable that, like Kim, you might be trying to decide what you will do.

Will you just leave the relationship and be done with him or her?

Will you try to pretend that the affair didn't happen or isn't happening and attempt continue on as usual?

Will you confront your mate and demand that he or she stop cheating?

These questions may be running through your mind. You might also be feeling the impulse to do something to lash out at your partner for hurting you in this way. A revenge affair may have crossed your mind too.

The temptation to get back at or send a message to your partner by having an affair of your own can pull at you pretty strongly.

It can seem like there's "no other way" to really communicate to your mate what you want to say-- even if you know the probable and serious consequences of you breaking trust as well.

Yes, even though your partner has already broken trust by having an affair, you cheating is only going to tear you two apart even more.

Any short-term "benefits" of you having an affair will be vastly overshadowed by plenty of negatives and drawbacks-- many of which include you feeling even more hurt.

Explore ALL of your feelings...without acting on them.

Even though you might be itching to DO something about this information that you've just found out or that you've just confirmed (that your partner is cheating), we do not recommend that you take an
action right now.

If at all possible, put off talking with your partner and, most definitely, don't embark on a revenge affair.

Now is not the time to further complicate your life with another relationship, even if you don't consider the cheating to officially be a relationship.

Find a quiet and private space and give yourself permission to let out any and all feelings you are having.

Give yourself pillows to punch, paper or pictures to burn (in a fireplace or fire-safe container), pencil and paper to write down how you feel and whatever else comes to you. Put on loud music and dance, stomp your feet and shout.

Get those feelings out in some way that is not damaging to you or another person.

What all of this does is to give you some initial clarity. It also helps you burn off some energy so that you aren't quite so tempted to do something rash like have a revenge affair.

Honestly assess your current relationship situation.

There will likely be more waves of strong emotion that come up for you surrounding your partner's infidelity and your relationship. Create time in the future to do whatever works to help you get those
feelings out.

When you feel some release and clarity, it's time to assess your current situation and make some decisions.

Even if these are in-the-moment decisions and not longer-term decisions, make them when you're as clear and calm as possible.

Look at what you know and listen to what you need right now. For example, you might need some temporary space from your partner to
make a decision about whether you'll stay in this relationship or leave it.

You might need to have the difficult conversation with him or her to find out what's next.

If you do want to try to rebuild trust and restore your relationship after infidelity, when you communicate with your partner, have specific ideas for how you want your partner to prove to you that he or she is trustable again.

There are actions that you'll need to take-- forgiving and not living in the past-- but your partner has to be willing to do the work too. This has got to be a team effort.

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Contact Info
Relationship Coaches Susie and Otto Collins
PO Box 14544, Columbus, OH 43214
Contact Susie or Otto about Relationship Coaching by calling 614-568-8282.
For all other inquiries, contact us by email

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