Rebuilding Tips & Advice
Lies and Lying
Save Your Marriage
Break Up and a Broken Heart
About Susie and Otto
Break Up and a Broken Heart
Break Up Advice: "My friends
think that I'm crazy, but I want to win
him back...even after the affair."
By Susie and Otto Collins
Kelly's friends have tried to talk sense and get her to see what a
mistake that she's making, but Kelly does not agree with them.
does not think that it's crazy for her to try to get back with her
When Kelly and Ed were together, he had at least 3 affairs with
different women. Every time that Ed cheated, he'd apologize, promise
to make changes and Kelly would hesitantly take him back.
After finding out about his most recent affair, however, Kelly
decided that she'd had enough.
She told him to pack up and move out
of their apartment. Ed did move out and has not tried to contact
Kelly since that day over a month ago.
Since they broke up, Kelly has been doubting her decision to end
their relationship. She misses Ed a lot and her heartbreak only
seems to be getting worse as time passes, not better.
Kelly's friends think that she's lost her mind to even consider
contacting Ed again with the hopes of reuniting...but that's exactly
what Kelly intends to do.
If you've broken up or filed for divorce after finding out that your
partner had an affair, you may now be having some of the same second
thoughts that Kelly is having.
As difficult and painful as it was to
be cheated on, you may be missing your ex and want to try and win
or her back.
It could be that your ex has made it clear to you that he or she
wants to reunite too. In fact, your ex may be continuing to contact
you and trying to make amends for cheating.
Or it could be that you've had little or no contact since breaking
up. Your ex may even be carrying on with the person he or she was
having the affair with when you two were together.
Despite this, you
might find yourself drawn to try and get back together.
Ask yourself this question...
When the urge to try and win back your ex comes into your mind and
you feel compelled to act, take a few moments to really consider
"Is it in my best interest to get back with him (or her)?"
There is a big difference between what is in your best interest and
what you want (or think that you want at this time).
We aren't for one minute trying to tell you what to do. Only you
know what is the wisest move for you to make regarding your ended
When you take a look at what is in your best interest, or what is
wise, does getting back together again make sense?
Yes, you might be lonely. Yes, you might remember the love and good
times you and your ex once shared.
And, yes, there is a possibility that you two could get back
together again and create a healthier, happier relationship than
But, there is also the possibility that there are just too many
differences between what you want from a relationship and what your
ex wants that reuniting would not be wise.
There may be too much
and mistrust to heal.
When you ask yourself the question "Is it in my best interest to try
and get back together with my ex," pay particular attention to any
signs from your ex and from you that you BOTH are willing to change,
that you BOTH want to give it another try and that you BOTH are
to fully commit to your relationship.
Identify the qualities that you have to have in your love
relationship or marriage.
Another way to consider whether or not trying to get back with your
ex is a wise idea is to make a list of the qualities that are most
important to you in a relationship.
For this moment, set aside your desire to win back your ex.
Instead, focus more generally on what you want and what you
absolutely require in a love relationship or marriage.
Write down a
list of these qualities and characteristics. Remember, this is about
the relationship, not necessarily the person.
You might write down things like this: strong trust, fidelity,
honest communication, clear commitment to one another, fun, passion,
mutual interests, our relationship is a priority, etc.
Circle or highlight those qualities that you absolutely have to
have-- these are not negotiable to you.
After you've made your list and circled your "must haves," ask
yourself how likely it is that your ex is someone you could create
such a relationship with.
This can be a challenging question and,
unless you have the opportunity to sit down with him or her and
actually ask it, you won't know with 100% certainty.
Even if you are doing this exercise by yourself, you can think about
concrete examples of your ex's behavior and words (both in the past
and also what you know about him or her now) to help you formulate
If you do decide that it IS in your best interest to approach your
ex about getting back together again, go slowly and be very clear
about the agreements you'll need him or her to make with you.
willing to identify disconnecting habits you both have and to make
Click here to receive our free Relationship Reverse Report for more
advice about how to rebuild trust and change disconnecting habits.
If you decide that it is NOT in your best interest to try and win
back your ex, we encourage you to gather sources of support around
Find truly nourishing and soothing people and actions that will
help you begin to heal.
Click here to receive our free e-mail mini-course How to Heal Your
Broken Heart for tips and information to support your healing and
moving forward with your life.
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