Signs of a Cheating Spouse:
"I Think My Mate is Cheating. How Do I Know What to
By Susie and Otto Collins
When the signs you see in your spouse or partner all seem to
add up to infidelity, you might not know what to believe.
You may feel confused or worried that you are
misunderstanding what's going on.
Or perhaps you are hoping that the cheating signs you are
perceiving are all a big misunderstanding.
It could be that you want to know the truth once and for all
and then make decisions from there. Not knowing for sure
whether your spouse is indeed having an affair may only be
adding to your distress.
It's a little bit like the anxiety a student might feel
before taking a big test. There are many unknowns such as
which specific information the test will cover and how
difficult or easy it will be.
The student may worry that he or she has not prepared enough
or has studied the wrong
material. Anticipating the test with all of these unknowns
can be just as unnerving as the test itself.
Some people find that taking the test is somewhat easier to
handle than the test anxiety.
When your worries and anxieties are that your spouse is
cheating, it is usually not something you have prepared for.
This is no academic exam!
It's not necessarily easier once you're actually facing
infidelity, but you may feel a release of tension that
linked to the not knowing.
Facing the reality that your spouse or partner had an affair
often feels huge. The sense of betrayal and hurt can feel
overwhelming and, for a time, your world might seem turned
But figuring out what's really going on with your partner
and with your relationship is essential. All too often, the
anticipatory fear and anxiety that your mate will cheat (or
is cheating) can make any behavior seem suspicious.
We urge you to be sure about what you are seeing before you
make accusations or decide that he or she is actually having
Signs that may indicate cheating:
*Secretiveness-- Your spouse may set up a new
e-mail or cell phone account without telling you.
Your partner might also start taking calls in private and
staying up late at night when you are asleep to use the
*Big and Unexplained Behavior Changes-- It's
one thing for your spouse to make a significant change in
how he or she looks or acts while sharing with you the
inspiration or reasons for this change.
On the other hand, if these changes are made with no
explanation to you, it could be a sign of infidelity.
*Inconsistencies-- You might begin to notice
that your partner's account of where he or she has been and
who he or she has been with just doesn't add up.
If you suspect cheating, pay attention to the information
that you're being given and ask yourself if it logically
*Accusations or Defensiveness-- Your mate
might become more accusatory of your behavior or motives,
even when those accusations make no sense to you.
At the same time, he or she may get defensive quickly or
easily when asked casual questions.
We want to stress that none of these signs automatically
mean that your partner having an affair. Use this list as a
tool and be sure to check out what you are perceiving by
gathering more information.
Learn to trust your gut.
When you are faced with your suspicions that your partner is
cheating as well as the anxiety of not knowing for sure what
is really going on, you might find it difficult to trust
your own perceptions.
If you are listening mostly to the fearful stories in your
head, you might indeed be coming to inaccurate conclusions.
When you learn to trust your gut, or intuition, you are
tuning in to that deep place of clarity and knowing within
You might not be happy with what you are hearing from your
gut and it might even be scary information, but it is not
coming from fear.
This might sound confusing.
To tune in to your gut, find a quiet place where you can be
alone. Just take a few moments to breathe and calm down.
For example, if you find a hot bath soothing, get
into the tub. Now from this calmer place, direct your
attention to your core.
You might feel your energy drop down from your head and
gather in your tummy or belly button area.
Ask yourself what you know to be true from this core gut
place and listen to the answers. It might be that you get a
confirmation of what you suspect-- that the signs are adding
up to your partner cheating.
Or it could be that you are being called to find out more
A definite warning sign for any relationship is a sense of
distance. When you feel disconnection your partner might not
be having an affair, but there is certainly a challenge
going on in your relationship that needs to be addressed.
Look at the signals and learn to tune in and trust what your
gut is telling you. From there, you can make decisions about
what you want and point yourself in a direction of your