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"My partner is the one who cheated and he's not doing anything to make it right!"

By Susie and Otto Collins

Jessica was unsure when she agreed to take her boyfriend, David, back after he cheated. She talked with her sister and friends and they all encouraged her to give him another chance.

"He's a good guy at heart," they all reassured her. "He just made a bad decision," they claimed.

In the past months after finding out about his affair, Jessica has become even less certain of her decision to stay in this

She is trying to forgive David and put the past behind them, but it doesn't seem like he is doing anything at all to make things right again.

She has suggested that they meet with a relationship coach. She intentionally leaves books about trust and communication out in their apartment hoping that he'll pick one up and read it.

Jessica has proposed agreements that will help rebuild trust, but David refuses to talk about his affair, their disconnecting habits or improving their relationship.

He often accuses Jessica of just trying to "stir up trouble."

As far as Jessica can tell, David continues to be just as secretive, evasive and closed down as before he cheated. She's worried that he is lying to her, just like he did before.

She's not even sure if he's really stopped sleeping around with other women.

Rebuilding trust and repairing your relationship after cheating can take time and deliberate effort. When you make the choice to stay in the relationship-- even after your partner had an affair-- you are taking a risk.

There is no guarantee that your efforts to rebuild trust will be
effective. There's no iron-clad assurance that your partner will not cheat again or that you two will be able to be happy once again.

Especially if it seems to you that your partner is doing little or
nothing to change the habits that contributed to the infidelity in
the first place, you might be feeling anxious and worried.

What can you do?

Be clear about your role in the distance.
As obvious as it is to you that your mate is NOT doing certain
things that could bring improvement to your relationship, for a
moment, set those observations aside.

As much as you might be hurting from the affair and your partner's continued behaviors, it's probable that you're playing a role in this dynamic too.

We're not suggesting that you put up with being lied to or mistreated. Absolutely not! You deserve the kind of respect and relationship that you want.

However, if you are choosing to stay in this relationship (for now at least) you're going to need to take responsibility for the things that you might be doing that are also moving you two further apart.

If you have a habit of being jealous, resentful, critical or holding grudges, own it.

Recognize whatever it is that you do that plays a role in the disconnection and invite yourself to learn and try some new responses.

Set boundaries and create agreements.
By all means, if you have reliable evidence that your partner is
continuing to lie, flirt, cheat or otherwise act inappropriately with others, set some boundaries.

It doesn't matter how much you love him or her and how much you don't want to lose this relationship, you don't need to allow yourself to be betrayed again.

Be clear within yourself about what is most important to you before setting a boundary. If, for example, you find yourself setting boundaries in the form of ultimatums or threats to leave (when you aren't willing to really follow through), stop yourself.

Think through a boundary or a request to create an agreement before talking about it with your partner.

Make sure you are focusing in on the need that you have and not something extraneous that may be upsetting but is not the core issue.

Make decisions that are in your best interest.
Whether you're setting a boundary, proposing an agreement or making the decision about whether or not to stay in this relationship, we urge you to continually ask yourself what is in your best interest.

This isn't you being selfish or ignoring the effect of your
decisions on your mate, your kids or anyone else.

It only makes sense that when you make a decision that is in alignment with what you most want and need, you will be better able to be supportive of others (like your kids).

On the other hand, when you ignore what, deep down inside, you know is best for you, the effect is generally upset, resentment, disappointment and regret for all.

Give yourself permission to consider all of your options no matter what you are deciding to do.

If you're not seeing any evidence that your partner is positively
contributing to trust rebuilding in your relationship, it's probably decision time.

Be clear and make sure that you are accurately seeing
the whole picture and not just reacting from the past.

Once you've stepped back and made an assessment of what's going on right now in your relationship and weighed in about what you truly want for yourself and your future, then you will more easily know what your next best decision is.






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Contact Info
Relationship Coaches Susie and Otto Collins
PO Box 14544, Columbus, OH 43214
Contact Susie or Otto about Relationship Coaching by calling 614-568-8282.
For all other inquiries, contact us by email

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