Enough is Enough: How to Know When It's
Time to Leave
By Susie and Otto Collins
"Is this a losing battle?" Carolyn wonders to herself about
her marriage to Dan.
Although it's been three years since Dan admitted that he'd
had an affair, the shadow of that infidelity continues to
cover their relationship.
Dan stopped the affair and they both met with a
marriage counselor. But it seems to Carolyn that mistrust,
tension and distance are still always present between the
two of them.
Being married to Dan and spending time together used to be
so loving, caring and fun.
Carolyn isn't certain that she still loves Dan and she
doubts that he still loves her. She frequently wonders if
he's still cheating.
Making the decision to get a divorce is almost always one
that requires a lot of thought and soul-searching.
Even if your partner had an affair, you might have believed
that one day you'd be able to rebuild trust and regain the
love and passion that you once shared together.
Even if this hasn't happened yet, you might still be holding
out hope that this is possible.
You might be hesitant to actually make that final decision
to leave your marriage and start a new life.
In many cases, this decision means that big changes are on
You may be worried about disrupting the lives of your
children. You may be concerned about how you will make it
financially and emotionally on your own.
Whenever there is confusion, there are always clues that can
help you make the best decision for you.
Clues from you.
The first place we recommend that you look for clues is
within you. Get in touch with your feelings and what you
want for yourself for your future.
Begin to pay attention to how you feel when you are with
your spouse-- or when you think about him or her. Do you
usually feel trapped or confined?
Make note of your usual feelings and start looking for
patterns. If trapped and confined have become your
"normal" state lately, this could mean that it's time to
Do you ever notice yourself sabotaging a potential moment of
connection with your spouse?
Perhaps he or she reaches out to you in some way and, before
you know it, you have picked a fight or found something
wrong with the words or actions of your spouse.
Recognizing this is not about making you or your spouse
wrong; it's about seeing this clue in your own reaction.
Create some quiet time for yourself. Clear your mind and
just breathe. Try to relax.
Now, ask yourself this question: "Am I ready to leave this
marriage or do I want to stay for now?"
Listen to the answer that you receive. In almost all cases,
the first answer that pops into a person's head is the one
that comes from deep within.
It is truest at that time.
Clues from your partner.
The answer that Carolyn heard when she relaxed and asked
herself whether she is ready to stay in or leave this
marriage is that she is done.
The words that came to her were, "Enough is enough."
Even though she has made the decision to leave internally,
there is a part of Carolyn that is resistant to telling Dan
or contacting a divorce attorney.
She still harbors doubts (even though deep down
inside she is more certain).
It is not uncommon for a mixture of emotions and pulls to go
along with making the decision about whether to stay or go.
Another place to look for clues that can help you feel more
certain about your decision and take a next step is to
observe your partner.
Please remember, going within yourself for the answer
is going to be best in just about every case.
Nobody else can tell you what your next move should
But, paying attention to your spouse's words and behaviors
can help you erase lingering doubt and hesitation.
Is your spouse consistently not following through on what he
or she agrees to do?
This might include being transparent, proving trustability
or it could relate to more mundane every day things such as
errands and household chores.
How willing has your spouse been to work with you to rebuild
Again, look at whether his or her actions have matched up
with promises and agreements.
Is your partner abusive in any way towards you and/or your
If so, we urge you not to wait any longer. Get yourself and
your children to a place that is safe. You can figure out
what you will do next from that safe place.
Has your spouse told you that he or she no longer loves you?
If so, how do you feel about that? Do you still love your
Use these observations about your partner as supplements to
what you are hearing from your own self.
When you are clear about what you want, the next best step
will become apparent to you.
For more help making your decision,
click here to sign up for Susie and Otto's FREE mini-course:
"5 Biggest Mistakes People Make When Deciding Whether to
Stay in or Leave a Relationship."