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Flirting with Danger: 3 Ways to Tear Down Relationship Walls and Move
Closer Toward Your Love

By Susie and Otto Collins

Are you a flirt? Most of us would vehemently deny that we flirt. After all, that's a behavior that is usually associated with teenagers or perhaps those annual office parties involving too much celebrating. But many sober adults actually engage in flirting.

This can be a fun and exciting way to communicate to another person that you are interested in getting to know him or her better. The danger comes in, however, when the flirt is already in a love relationship.

Some may say that flirting is harmless and can spice up a relationship with a dose of healthy competitiveness and even jealousy.

We affirm that flirting and jealousy only lead to mistrust and distance. And, taken to another level, flirting can also be a step toward cheating and breaking agreements that a person has made to his or her partner.

If you want to maintain a strong level of trust and
connection, flirt only with the one you love. Don't use flirting with others as a manipulative means to get attention or otherwise make changes in your relationship.

It truly will not work or bring you closer to your mate.

Jess has always been a social butterfly. She absolutely loves getting to know people and she also enjoys knowing that-- even in her 40s-- she can still make a roomful of men take a second look at her.

Kyle, her husband, was initially one of those men at a party who couldn't take his eyes off of Jess. He dearly loves her but now he dreads
social outings together.

From Kyle's perspective, it seems that Jess wants him to think that she would hook up with another man among these admirers. As Jess laughs and seems to flit from man to man at a party, Kyle becomes more and more irritated with her antics.

By the end of the evening, there seems to be a
wall between Jess and Kyle as he feels insecure and angry and Jess is high on the attention but sad that it's not coming from the one man she's truly interested in-- Kyle.

Admit to yourself that you flirt.
Perhaps, to your surprise, you have been accused of flirting. Or maybe you are already aware that you tend to be a flirt. Start by admitting to yourself that you have this proclivity. We don't want you to feel bad about yourself or launch into self-criticism. Instead, simply acknowledge your habit.

It might be that, like Jess, you like the external
validation that you are attractive and it's fun to fully experience that. It could be that your partner has misinterpreted your innocent ways of socializing and he or she is merely jealous.

These are both possibilities. And the truth of the matter might include a little of both.

When you are in a social situation, you could make it a point to observe your usual actions from a place of curiosity. Just watch what you choose to do and how you interact with others. If you seem to seek out others who you think might find you attractive or interesting, then it is likely you are flirting.

You might not even be aware that you are flirting. This is why observing yourself can be helpful.

Again, there is nothing inherently wrong with flirting-- especially if you are not in a committed relationship. But if you have made fidelity agreements with a person and you still flirt with others, it's probable that walls of mistrust are forming between the two of you.

Look at your intentions.
With the acknowledgment that you do tend to flirt with others, take a deeper look behind this habit. What do you really want when you flirt? This may require you to take a step back and really look at the feelings and desires that contribute to your need to flirt.

Jess realizes that she flirts for various reasons. She has always felt proud of her ability to "turn heads." This external validation of her attractiveness feels good to Jess and helps her continue to feel young and alive.

Jess also discovers that she really wants to share more passion with Kyle. Sometimes he seems so caught up with his career, she feels taken for granted and even invisible to him. As much as Jess doesn't want to admit this, she now can see that getting his attention and driving home the point that she could have another man if she wanted to also contribute to her flirting.

You may be uncomfortable when you discover your intentions behind flirting. However, it is very important that you understand your needs that are not being met in your relationship so that you can find other ways to satisfy them.

Consciously choose your actions.
After gaining a clearer understanding of what motivates her to flirt, Jess sits down with Kyle. She first apologizes for the way she tends to act at parties or other social gatherings. She listens to Kyle as he shares with her how angry and upset he feels when she flirts.

Then, without blaming Kyle for how she feels, Jess asks him if he'd be willing to join her in an effort to increase the passion and connection in their relationship. She even found some websites that suggest concrete ideas they can explore

Now that you know your relationship needs, you can make requests of your partner. Together, the two of you can discover ways that you can both feel fulfilled, excited and alive in your relationship.

It might also be that you realize some needs you can meet internally. For example, if you tend to rely primarily on external signs that you are attractive or interesting, you might start by affirming this for yourself. And from this strong base of self-love and self-care, you'll likely find it easier to connect and deepen your relationship with your love.

When you are in a committed love relationship and you flirt with others, you are undoubtedly flirting with danger. And danger is only sexy in the movies! If you crave the excitement and giddiness that comes from flirting, then try flirting with your partner. You could give a subtle kiss on the neck when he or she doesn't expect it, or you could turn on your full charm and romance your mate.

Remove the risks of walls and disconnection that come from flirting by making sure your needs are met. Then direct your energy toward the one you love and enjoy!







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Contact Info
Relationship Coaches Susie and Otto Collins
PO Box 14544, Columbus, OH 43214
Contact Susie or Otto about Relationship Coaching by calling 614-459-8121.
For all other inquiries, contact us by email

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