Release and Forgive to Rebuild Trust
By Susie and Otto Collins
stuck re-living the same day over and over and over again.
He literally eats the same food at each meal, takes the same
steps across the same street, and even has the same
conversations with the same people that he did the day
because he's actually living the "day before" each and every
day repeatedly. This is the situation in the 1990s comedic
movie "Groundhog Day," of course.
amusing as it is to watch this character caught in a
continual loop of a day, we know that it's just a movie.
When you feel stuck in feelings and situations that are so
similar to the past you wonder if you're having your own
"groundhog day," it's not very funny!
feeling stuck in the past is often a frustrating, confusing
and emotionally draining experience.
movie "Groundhog Day," Phil played around in his continual
loop of a life causing people to trip and fall on the
street, pretending to read other's minds as he already knew
what they were going to say, as well as other antics. But,
of course, Phil's amusement with this unbelievable situation
soon felt confining. He wanted to move on and couldn't.
"groundhog day" is probably quite different from the one
Phil lives in the movie. It could be that you and your mate
become terse with one another or argue when a particular
topic comes up.
step back from the situation, you realize that you two make
just about the same arguments to one another and even have
similar reactions about the issue each and every time it
that does not remain the same is the distance that continues
to grow between the two of you. Each time you and your
partner make assumptions, allegations, and judgments about
one another, you move further apart.
Your own personal "groundhog day."
Perhaps your partner had an
affair in the early years of your relationship. You know
that the affair has ended, but you just can't seem to let go
of the pain and hurt.
the efforts that you both have made, in the back of your
mind you fear that another affair will happen-- or that your
mate will even return to the person he or she cheated with
your mate goes out with friends, doesn't return your phone
calls quickly, or works late, you become suspicious and
afraid. Your questions about your partner's time away from
you come out as accusations and the same old, tired out
argument in which neither of you "wins" occurs.
At a time
like this, you might feel just as trapped in your own
repeating reality and emotions as Phil did.
did Phil finally break out of his continual loop existence
in the movie? Without giving too much of the storyline away,
we'll put it simply. He began to act differently and in ways
that felt good to both him and the others in his repeating
moved on from his "groundhog day" by letting go of past
moments and doing so with love.
Holding on to the past hurts you the most.
If your mate had an affair, the last thing you might
want to think about is lovingly letting go of the past. You
might not want to cling to the pain and hurt, but you also
may not feel ready to put the whole thing behind you for
encourage you to go within and figure out what you need to
happen so that you can start making a completion about the
pain in your past.
holding onto the past is most likely driving a wedge between
you and your partner that keeps growing over time. At the
same time, clinging to the hurt and upset feelings of the
past negatively impacts you most of all. You are the one
burdened by these memories, stories and assumptions. You are
the one filling your present moment with the pain of the
time to treat yourself with love, do yourself a favor and
take steps to release the past?
Forgiveness does not equal approval.
When you let go of the affair that your partner may have
had-- or other perceived betrayals and hurts-- you are
essentially indicating to yourself and your mate that you
are done carrying around the pain.
forgiveness process might be gradual and involve small steps
over time. Or it might happen in a big decision you make to
simply forgive and move on.
decide to forgive, you are affirming that you are ready to
release that past event. Forgiveness does not mean that you
are now approving of the affair or the betrayal. It also do
not mean that you condone what happened. Forgiveness does
not have to include any judgments whatsoever, in fact.
choose to start forgiving your partner about all of those
"little" things that you hold against him or her on a day to
day basis. You can set boundaries and expect agreements to
be kept even as you forgive and release.
also create a ritual to help you forgive. Consider writing
down all of your hurt and angry feelings about the past
event you tend to hold onto. Really allow yourself to pour
out your emotions in this writing.
take it to a fireplace or campfire and burn it. As you watch
the paper curl up in the flames and turn to ashes, feel
yourself releasing the past.
forgiveness does mean is that you are ready to break out of
your own "groundhog day" and move on to the happier life
you're wanting. Make the completions that you need to make
and allow yourself to forgive and release the past. Now you
can open up to your present and your future.