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Signs of Infidelity

How to React to Signs of Infidelity in Your Relationship
By Susie and Otto Collins

If your partner has been acting secretively or is vague about his or her plans when away from you, does it necessarily mean that your mate is cheating?

Your partner's words and the behaviors that you are observing may seem eerily similar to those words and behaviors you've seen on television shows or in the movies when infidelity
is going on.

You probably don't want to be a fool and make a big deal if there's nothing going on. But you also probably don't want to feel like you're being played as a fool if your mate is actually having an affair.

Jamie still can't get over the shock. Her live-in
boyfriend Paul's cell phone rang while he was in the bathroom and she didn't even think about not answering it-- after all, they have no secrets. Or so she thought.

When she opened the phone, she was disgusted to see nude photos of another woman on the screen along with a suggestive text message that said, "To Paul. Kisses, Suzy."

When Paul came back into the room, Jamie threw the phone at him and demanded to know what was going on. After a few attempts to claim the whole thing as a big mistake, Paul finally admitted that he's been sleeping with Suzy for the past few months.

He argued that he was just keeping his "options open" and doesn't want to break up with Jamie. He
even claims that he loves her.

Needless to say, Jamie pointed to the door and told Paul to leave. She wonders how she could've been so unaware of Paul's cheating all this time.

Infidelity Signs
Sometimes the signs of infidelity are quite blatant such as literally walking in on your partner kissing, embracing or even making love with another person. Finding nude photos, explicit e-mail, texts or letters between your mate and another person are also impossible to miss signals that cheating is going on.

Other times, the signs of infidelity are less obvious.  There is much more room for misunderstanding with signs like these that follow. For this reason, it is important that you think and feel about what you're perceiving and, if necessary, get more information to confirm or disconfirm what you think you're seeing.

Here are a few more subtle signals that could indicate your partner may be having an affair....

*There is a regular and continual distance or
disconnection between the two of you.

*Your mate is secretive or evasive about phone calls, time on the computer or even where he or she is going.

*There are unexplainable expenses on joint credit cards or mysterious withdrawals from joint bank accounts.

*Strange gifts or items pop up in your home or car.

*Your partner seems more defensive than usual.

When Jamie thinks back to the past several months, she can identify many of Paul's behaviors as signs that he was cheating. Although he covered it well, in hindsight, she can see that he almost always stepped out of the room when
answering his cell phone and he sometimes ran to get to his phone before Jamie could-- even though in the past he never seemed to mind her answering his phone.

He was often defensive about Jamie's casual inquiries about his day and what he'd been up to.

And, perhaps most important of all, Jamie realizes that she and Paul have been growing further apart lately. Jamie thought they were just going through an "off" time in their relationship. She never thought the distance was an indicator that something like this was going on.

Decide what you want.
Let's say that you have stepped back from your
relationship and started to look at some of the patterns that have developed both in your partner's behavior and in interactions between the two of you.

You have questioned the signs you think you see and feel confident that they are adding up to the probability that your mate is cheating.

What do you do next?

As much as you might want to run screaming and yelling at him or her, we advise against this. Try to take some time to process what you know to be true and get clear about what you might need more information about.

From as calm a place as possible, you can now go to your partner and ask him or her about what you've noticed and if infidelity is going on.

Now it is your decision. What do you need right now?  Perhaps you need some space or maybe to be with people who love and care about you like friends or family.

You don't have to make any final decisions at this very moment about whether you are going to stay in or leave the relationship. Just focus on what you want right now and then keep making the next decision you face from there.

Try to surround yourself with people and do activities that feel soothing and nurturing. This will help you choose your next step. It might be to stay in the relationship and rebuild trust.

Or it could be end the relationship and move on. Either way, your healing is what's most important now.


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Contact Info
Relationship Coaches Susie and Otto Collins
PO Box 14544, Columbus, OH 43214
Contact Susie or Otto about Relationship Coaching by calling 614-459-8121.
For all other inquiries, contact us by email

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