All You Need is Love
to Quit Your
By Susie and Otto Collins
If you struggle with jealousy, you may not be too
receptive to the advice that "all you need is love." In
fact, if you're in the midst of those intense and seemingly
out of control jealous feelings, you might just want to haul
off and hit someone who utters those words to you!
Please don't! Instead, give us a few moments to explain what
A lot of folks have been there. In the midst of jealous
emotions, you can hardly think about love, let alone feel
it. You could feel certainty that the fact that your partner
is talking to another person means that they are having an
Or jealousy might take the form of competitiveness for you.
Maybe you feel eaten up inside because, in your eyes, you're
nothing compared to a friend, co-worker, family member or
another who is so much more_________ than you are. (You can
fill in the blank.)
We advocate that you try a "love cure" for your jealous
habit. If you look under the surface of jealousy, there
always deeper feelings that fuel it. These deeper feelings
are usually beliefs and emotions stemming from fear and
It could be that you believe you are inherently lacking--
and your life seems to follow suit. You may often tell
yourself that you will never be good enough, smart enough,
attractive enough, etc.
Even if you don't literally say words to this effect to
yourself, your life choices send this message.
Instead-- or additionally-- you might walk around fearing
that you will be betrayed or abandoned. Perhaps your past
experiences instilled these fears in you or they may have
developed in other ways. The effects are similar as you see
the potential for pain and loss everywhere, especially in
the actions and words of your partner.
The lack and fear you may be experiencing can seem like a
gaping hole within. This hole may even seem bottomless.
Jealousy comes in with a false promise to fill that hole as
you perceive the financial success of your neighbor, the wit
of a friend or the buff body of your brother. "If only I was
as ______ as he or she is" might be the words echoing
Some people turn to their partner attempting to fill the
lack and fear hole and might even hope to stop the jealousy
habit externally. Please remember that no matter how much
your mate wants to make you feel better, when it comes to
your jealousy he or she can't.
The great news is that you have the power to let go of
jealousy and open up to love and happiness.
You may be familiar with the following scenario: a man and a
woman are getting ready to go out. She comes out all dressed
up, turns around for the man and asks, "Do I look fat in
this outfit?" This is an emotional trap for them both! He
can answer that she looks beautiful (and he probably really
means it) and she will think he's just saying that because
he has to.
Or, he might comment that another dress would be more
flattering and, of course, she would immediately deflate,
convinced that her body is the size of an elephant-- even
though this not what her partner meant!
It doesn't matter whether you are a man or a woman. When you
walk around with a hole of fear and lack inside, the most
perfect partner in the world cannot take that hole away. In
the classic scenario, when the couple goes out, no matter
what outfit the woman decides to wear, if she
feels unattractive and lacking in terms of her beauty, she
will undoubtedly compare herself to other women and feel
The only way to truly fill in that hole of lack and fear and
let go of jealousy is to do it yourself. Fill yourself with
Nurture love for yourself
Perhaps the very idea of growing and nurturing love for your
own self strikes you as uncomfortable, overwhelming, or even
inappropriate. If so, start out small. A hole in
your yard is usually filled one shovelful at a time.
You can decide to give yourself at
least one "shovelful" of love each day. Make a list of
activities you could do that feel self-loving and then do
them. These might include a relaxing bath, a massage, time
to listen to your favorite
music, or a leisurely walk in a park.
You could also include on your list phrases or words you can
begin to say to yourself that make you feel loved and good
inside. You might start to notice all of things you do well.
Perhaps there are things about yourself that you take for
granted but they're really wonderful!
Create space for that love to expand
It's highly likely that the hole of lack and fear
diminishes as you give yourself shovelful after shovelful of
love. Not only does this mean that you probably feel better
about yourself and are less prone to jealousy, your sense
self-love can actually expand.
You can begin to include in your self-appreciation those
aspects of yourself that you are most uncomfortable about
and bathe those part
in love too.
This may take a conscious effort, but it's worth it!
For example, if you feel
self-conscious about your physical appearance, choose not to
ask your partner how he or she thinks you look. Instead,
take a deep breath and have the courage to look at yourself
in the mirror-- more than once.
There might be parts of your body
that you'd prefer to look differently; but there are
probably parts that you think are acceptable-even
attractive! If your mind starts playing the comparing game
in a social setting, (where you
ultimately lose and then feel jealous), stop yourself and
turn your attention elsewhere.
It take practice, intention and a conscious decision to stop
a jealousy habit. It also requires looking at and tending to
your lack or fear emotions that often fuel jealousy. It is
our belief that as you love yourself more and more
completely, can more easily receive the love and connection
that your partner offers you.
When it comes down to it, all you really do need is love.