4 Strategies to Help You Get Past
By Susie and Otto Collins
Kevin wishes that he could just get over it.
His wife, Linda, had a brief affair with a co-worker 3 years
When he found out about the affair just after it happened,
He wasn't sure that he could even look at Linda
let alone remain married to her.
A lot has changed since that time. Kevin decided to stay in
marriage and he gives Linda credit for taking ownership for
She has really worked hard to prove to him that he
her and that she loves him. The two of them are far more
honest with one another than they ever were.
The trouble is that Kevin just can't seem to get past the
Even though he can see that Linda has made amends for her
the back of his mind he keeps watching her and waiting. He
to "see" Linda cheating again and this makes him
jealous and keeps him distant
Your partner's affair may have been a long time ago or it
occurred more recently. What matters the most is that you
strategies that work for you and that help you overcome
jealousy and move past
The only way to create the kind of love relationship or
that you want after infidelity is to move beyond the affair
healthy ways-- let it go.
We are certainly NOT advising you to pretend that the affair
happen or to ignore your very real feelings.
feelings and pretending are just not effective or healthy
for you or
Instead, try these 4 strategies to help you get past the
#1: Be present.
Practice staying in the present moment.
This is so essential
two being able to rebuild trust. It's nearly impossible to
the kind of relationship you want if you are continually
your partner from the past.
Notice it when you begin to make an assumption about your
(or yourself) that is accurate for what happened around the
but may not be true today.
Your breath can be a useful to help you return to the
you have a thought about your relationship or your partner
true in the past but isn't necessarily true today, just
Don't try to rationalize why that thought might still be
argue with yourself about it. Just recognize that your focus
the past and breathe as a way to re-focus yourself on what's
#2: Talk about it.
Talking about the affair with your mate is most likely not
of a good time.
It's probably not going to be helpful-- or
living in the present moment-- to keep rehashing the details
However, it's important for you and your partner
acknowledge how you are feeling, right now, and that might
Be honest about your feelings and request that your partner
specific agreements with you that can help you two move
If you allow honest and open
communication, you both can
learn a lot
from the affair. You can actually start to see that the
was (most likely) part of bigger problems going on in your
Yes, your partner chose to cheat.
However, there were
lot of other factors that contributed to the disconnection
have led to the affair.
#3: Clean up "bad" habits.
As you have this communication with your partner and start
understand what factors may have led to the affair, you're
going to realize that you and your mate have developed some
These might still be going on today.
Let's be clear here... We're talking about habits being
To be even more clear... Habits are actually NOT "bad" or
they are just habits.
What you need to start noticing is which habits are taking
your partner further away from one another and which are
move closer together.
Those habits-- which may involve communication, intimacy,
priorities, decision-making and more-- that don't help you
rebuild trust and re-connect are the habits that you may
Identify those disconnecting and trust-eroding habits that
have and begin to develop new habits instead.
Forgiveness can seem like a daunting task. It can feel like
something that you "have to" or "should" do in order to heal
repair your relationship.
For forgiveness to be truly effective in rebuilding trust,
happen grudgingly or because you believe that you "should"
do it. It
needs to happen in the course of healing and it is also a
element of healing.
Start out by inviting yourself to forgive your partner.
yourself that you are taking steps to release the past so
can be freer from the anger, resentment, sadness and grief
Remember that you are doing this to open up to a
phase of your relationship.