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Lying
 

"Am I crazy?": How to Tell if Your Suspicions that Your Partner is Lying are Real
By Susie and Otto Collins

Janet is having a difficult time trusting herself lately. She keeps sensing that something is going on with her husband Erik.

To Janet, Erik does not seem to be himself. He's acting strangely and even secretively around her.

She keeps asking him if anything is wrong and he keeps telling her that she's the one acting strangely.

Erik argues that there is no distance between them and that nothing in their relationship has changed.

But, to Janet, everything is different. At the same time, she can't help but wonder if she's making all of this up.

"Am I crazy?"

You might be wondering if you have completely gone off the deep end with your worrying and fears that something is awry in your relationship.

When you ask your partner to communicate with you about the disconnection or differences that you notice in your relationship and he or she protests that this is only in your experience, you may feel like you don't know what (or whom) to trust.

When you feel suspicious of your mate and begin to ask yourself if he or she might lying to you and even having an affair, it can be unsettling.

Of course, you don't want to make an accusation that is unfounded and end up causing more disconnection in your relationship.

At the same time, you don't want to continue living this way potentially being lied to or taken advantage of.

Calm down and take a new perspective of your situation.
In order to test your suspicions, you will require more information which will possibly verify or discount the theories that might be forming in your mind about your partner and your relationship.

You need to become as much of an observer as you can.

We know, this is nearly impossible when this concerns the person whom you love and probably depend on in various ways.

While you can't become completely unbiased when assessing this situation, you can deliberately take a new perspective.

First of all, however, we suggest that you find ways to calm down and ground yourself. Use deep breathing to help with this.

In the moment that your worries and fears are intense, you are less able to make clear decisions or take actions that you will feel satisfied with tomorrow.

Rather than acting from your suspicions and concerns, we advise you to take your time.

It you have a friend or family member whom you can trust to talk about how you are feeling and what you are suspecting, do so.

Be sure to choose a confidante who will maintain your privacy and also a person who can offer you supportive, yet level-headed advice.

For example, you probably don't want to rely on someone who has just been through a breakup or divorce.

When you feel clearer and less upset, ask yourself what other possibilities there might be for your partner's odd behaviors.

This can help you to broaden your focus and acknowledge other things that might be going on in his or her life.

As Janet takes a different perspective of Erik, she realizes that he's been going through some personal crises that might be playing a part in his strange behavior.

Erik's father, whom he was very close with, passed away a few months ago and Erik was also passed up for a promotion at work.

Both of these events occurred relatively close to one another and both of these events were understandably upsetting for Erik.

It is helpful for Janet to recognize that Erik may be grappling with some internal emotions and struggles that have nothing to do with her.

At the same time, she can't understand his secretiveness.

Rely on evidence, not assumptions.
Even if, like Janet, you realized that there have been significant events that may have shaken up your mate and led to these changes, you might still have questions that you'd like to have answered.

You can always ask your partner what you are wanting to know.

If there is weak trust between you, however, his or her responses may not feel satisfactory to you.

Above all else, we encourage you to base your final assessment of whether or not your partner is lying on evidence and not assumptions.

That cold, anxious feeling in the pit of your stomach might, indeed, be accurately telling you that something is going on.

But you need more than just guesses-- even if they are gut instincts-- upon which you can rely.

We advise people in situations like this to develop a "baseline" of observations about your partner.

What is his or her usual schedule? What is communication between the two of you usually like? What are his or her habitual appearance and
self-care tendencies?

On a piece of paper that you keep in a place that your partner will not look, write down your baseline observations.

You might need to think back a few months if there have been changes recently.

After writing down this baseline, you can now begin to observe any changes or differences.

When your partner adopts a new clothing style or starts to come home later than before from work, it doesn't necessarily mean that he or she is lying to you and having an affair.

But it might.

We suggest that you use this observational method to collect any evidence that surfaces about what might be going on for your partner.

Once you have compiled a certain amount of information upon which you can truly rely, then you can look at what you've noticed and come to a decision about what it all means.

If you would like a more in-depth and systematic guide to help you figure out whether or not your partner is lying and cheating, you can check out our new book: Where There's Smoke
There's Fire: How To Tell If Your Man's a Cheating Liar


 

 


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Relationship Coaches Susie and Otto Collins
PO Box 14544, Columbus, OH 43214
Contact Susie or Otto about Relationship Coaching by calling 614-459-8121.
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