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Rebuilding Trust

"Trust is Coming Back but Passion has Died-- Is Our Relationship Over?"

By Susie and Otto Collins

Karen and Tom have been diligent about creating more honesty and openness with one another after her affair over a year ago.

When Tom decided to give Karen, and their marriage, a second chance he made it clear to her that things needed to change.

In the years leading up to Karen's affair, both she and Tom were very busy and focused in on their careers and their kids. They rarely made time for one another and became accustomed to turning to
other people in their lives for both support and enjoyment.

After months of meeting with a couples' coach, Tom and Karen can see how disconnected they were. Tom can understand what contributed to
Karen's decision to cheat-- even if he still feels hurt by it.

While trust in their marriage has slowly and steadily been rebuilding over the past several months, passion between them has not come back.

They've started making love with one another again recently, but it's lacked the level of spark and excitement that they used to enjoy when it came to sex.

Tom is worried that he'll never be able to fully get over being betrayed. Karen fears that her affair-- and the relationship mistakes they both made-- has killed passion in their marriage.

Neither of them are content with a passion-less relationship, but they don't know what to do about it.

If you or your mate has had an affair and you have decided to stay together to work things out, you both may be focusing in on rebuilding trust. This makes a lot of sense.

If you try to merely go back to your love relationship or marriage as if there were no betrayal of trust and breakdown of connection,
you will probably find yourself hurt all over again.

You and your partner will only end up further apart unless you take the time to learn from the infidelity.

Rebuilding trust is essential. However, nobody wants to preserve and maintain a relationship that is passion-less.

It's just as important that you allow the space for you and your partner to re-discover your passion and love for one another too.

Here are some tips to help you do that...

Recognize what's going right.
After infidelity, some couples become so focused in on what went wrong and all of their "bad" relationship habits that they become rather serious and even pessimistic.

They can mostly see the way that they still are doing some of the things that tore them apart in the past and it can be frustrating.

What they are ignoring are those positive-- sometimes little-- strides that they each are making.

When you can only see what's wrong in your relationship, even if your intentions are for the best, you are short-circuiting the potential for connection and passion.

Be sure you are acknowledging it when you try a different response with your partner instead of reacting in the same way you used to. Give your mate credit when he or she tries something different too.

When either or both of you follow through with your promises, reach a resolution to a disagreement or are honest with one another about a difficult topic, take a few moments to notice that.

Feel gratitude for this positive growth.

From this recognition and sense of gratitude you can more easily open up to passion.

Continue to make changes that bring improvement.
By all means, be sure that you are continuing to turn around those disconnecting relationship habits. Do this without blame and judgment if at all possible.

For example, if your partner has a tendency to withhold information and you have a tendency to be jealous, be on the lookout for signs that this dynamic is cropping up again.

Take responsibility for your share in this destructive relationship "dance" and support your
partner as he or she tries to be aware of it and makes changes too.

Continue to create agreements that will point your relationship in an improved direction. Be willing to keep honestly and openly talking about those topics that are a challenge for you both.

This level of engagement will not only help you to rebuild trust and create new habits, it will also move you closer together again...which can re-start the spark between you.

Be patient with yourself and your partner. Change can take time.

This is why noticing the positive changes (no matter how small) along the way is so valuable.

Don't force or over-think it.
There's nothing worse than trying to force yourself to feel something that you want to feel but you just don't feel yet.

This is especially true when it come to passion and intimacy.

If your partner cheated and you are having a difficult time opening yourself up sensually and intimately to him or her, take it slowly.

You might give one another back massages, slow dance together or just hold hands as you take a walk.

Re-introduce passion by providing opportunities for gentle, loving and (when you are ready) sensual and sexual touches between you two.

Make sure you and your partner are having fun together. Rebuilding trust and changing destructive relationship habits can become hard
and painful work!

Take time to watch a comedy film together, get out in nature and breathe in the fresh air, play a light-hearted sport together or whatever is enjoyable to you.

The sharing and the fun can also be a place for passion to re-ignite.


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Contact Info
Relationship Coaches Susie and Otto Collins
PO Box 14544, Columbus, OH 43214
Contact Susie or Otto about Relationship Coaching by calling 614-459-8121.
For all other inquiries, contact us by email

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