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Rebuild Trust After Infidelity... Even When You Have to See the "Other" Woman

By Susie and Otto Collins

Brenda used to love Wednesday evenings. This is her community orchestra practice night. For over 10 years now Brenda has played the violin in her city's orchestra. She has made many wonderful
friends among the other musicians too.

About 6 months ago, however, that all changed. Brenda's husband, Rick, admitted to her that he had a brief affair...and it was with a woman who is a member of the same orchestra!

Not only did Brenda feel shocked and betrayed that her husband cheated, she began to dread practices and performances of the orchestra.

She considered quitting the orchestra, but then decided to stay because she loves being a musician so much.

Brenda and Rick have been working hard to rebuild trust and put the pieces of their marriage back together again.

But, every time that Brenda goes to an orchestra practice and sees the woman with whom Rick had the affair, she feels like the wounds just re-open and new waves of anger, sadness and mistrust come up all over again.

She doesn't know what to do.

If your partner had an affair and you have decided to stay and try to heal your relationship, when your path crosses with the "other" woman (or the "other" man), it can be difficult.

Just like Brenda, all of those emotions that you felt when you first found out about the infidelity might come washing over you again.

This can most definitely stand in the way you and your mate being able to rebuild trust.

So, what can be done?

In certain situations, it may be nearly impossible to avoid seeing the person with whom your partner cheated.

If you two work in the same building, live in the same neighborhood or have similar groups
of friends, you might feel like you have to make painful and difficult choices.

It might be helpful to change what you can so that you don't have to cross paths with this person and be reminded of the affair.

However, you might not be willing to give up the activity, job, neighborhood or group of friends in order to avoid seeing him or her.

You and your partner need to make the best choice for your specific situation.

Here are some tips to help you rebuild trust...even when you have to see the "other" woman or the "other" man:

#1: Stay focused on the present.
Our advice is actually pretty simple, in theory. Keep your attention and energy focused on what's going on right here and right now in your relationship and life.

When you happen to see the person with whom your partner had an affair, resist the urge to go back in time in your mind to the time when they were cheating together.

Stop imagining how this other person got together with your partner, what your partner did with
this other person and any other past-oriented memories or stories that might pop into your mind.

This will not help you to heal, let go of the pain of the past and move forward to a healthier, closer relationship.

Instead, remind yourself of what you know to be true at this time.  Make sure that you and your partner have set up clear agreements about him or her being transparent with you, for example.

It is also helpful to make a mental note of the ways that your partner has been showing you that he or she is trustable.

No matter where you are in the process of rebuilding trust, keep bringing yourself back to what is going on now-- especially any recent improvements in your relationship.

#2: Stay focused on you and your partner.
We advise you to essentially put on blinders when you have to be around the person your partner cheated with.

Keep yourself focused in on you and your mate. Or, if you are with friends or family members, give your attention to your interactions with those people-- your support system.

It's probably not going to be in your best interests to glare at, make snide comments to (or loudly about) the person who your partner had the affair with or make a scene in some other way.

Although it might feel "good" in the short-term, this will mostly take you away from what your priority needs to be right now...which is to rebuild trust with your partner and start to create the kind of relationship you both desire.

When your path crosses with this other person, it might be a great time to shift your focus back to the love that you are rekindling with your partner.

Offer your attention, thoughts and energy to your
relationship and how it is improving and healing.

This may require determination and perseverance, but it's worth it.






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Contact Info
Relationship Coaches Susie and Otto Collins
PO Box 14544, Columbus, OH 43214
Contact Susie or Otto about Relationship Coaching by calling 614-459-8121.
For all other inquiries, contact us by email

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