How to Create
Trustable Moments After Infidelity
By Susie and Otto Collins
When infidelity happens in your relationship,
to be made in order to move on. You and your
individually and as a couple-- need to decide
will end your relationship, take some time apart, or
Rebuilding trust is something that will
you both whether or not you stay together. But it is
especially essential to learn to trust yourselves
another if you are staying together.
One way to rebuild trust in your relationship is by
trustable moments. It is kind of like building a
If you've ever enjoyed a day at the beach
constructing cities or structures out of sand and
know that there are tricks to this pastime.
huge a bucket of sand onto a shaky foundation, the
thing will undoubtedly crumble. However, when you
pat and mold layers of moistened sand, you can end
an impressive-looking and relatively stable result.
Trustable moments are a lot like the sand and water
to make that fabulous sand castle. In each and every
look for ways to be and show trustworthiness.
be huge actions or decisions. Often, it's the
of regularly occurring acts of honesty and integrity
help rebuild trust.
Julie and Tim are at a crossroads in their marriage.
ending the affair she was having with a co-worker,
made a complete confession to Tim.
It was probably
difficult thing she's ever had to do and now, in the
aftermath of the infidelity, neither Tim nor Julie
what to do next.
They both want to try to pick up
of their marriage but exactly how to go about doing
As much as both of them want to
let go of what happened, they each worry that Julie
slip up again or, that this time, Tim will be the
betray their agreements.
In order to get started rebuilding trust after an
you need to be awake and aware of how you feel and
partner is communicating to you.
You can be on the
for potentially trustable moments when you are tuned
what's going on within you and in your relationship.
all, many times couples are on a sort of autopilot
disconnected from themselves and one another when
happens. This can occur for various reasons, but the
effects are almost always detrimental.
After making it her intention to rebuild trust with
Julie decides to wake up, tune in and stay that way.
life is busy and demanding as many people's lives
Julie uses her breathing as a tool.
A church nearby
office building chimes every hour on the hour. Each
Julie hears the chimes, she pauses, takes a deep
notices how she's feeling.
At home, with Tim, Julie
attention to the clock and does the same thing.
or not, staying tuned in like this, allows Julie to
quickly identify how she's feeling which she can
to share with Tim.
Building on this practice of staying awake through
breathing, Julie is also more easily aware of
to rebuild trust with Tim.
For example, she never
how important keeping the communication flowing
was before, but now she can clearly see and act
She knows that Tim really appreciates e-mails, text
or phone calls a couple of times a day to keep in
one another while apart.
For Julie and Tim this open
of communication is not about Tim spying on Julie,
it's about creating a trustable moment where connection can
Appreciate what's amassing.
If you sit long enough patting moistened sand in
layers, you end up with a relatively big sand
might then stand up and admire your creation.
Tim begin to tune in to themselves and one another,
find more and more opportunities to rebuild trust.
trust rebuilds, Julie and Tim are even able to
gaps in their connection that may have contributed
affair in the first place.
Trustable moments are
to amass and make both of them feel more hopeful
As you create more and more trustable moments in
relationship, be sure to allow space to appreciate
shifts that are happening.
Not only does it feel
realize that you are making strides and turning
closer toward one another, it is also a confidence
When you appreciate the steps that you and your mate
taken toward rebuilding trust, you can more easily
even more steps. You know you can do it because you
that you have.
Infidelity is something that probably no one wants
happen in their marriage.
But when it does and you
partner decide to stay together, you can eventually
difficult and painful situation into a closer and
connected trusting relationship than you experienced