Rebuilding Tips & Advice
Lies and Lying
Save Your Marriage
Break Up and a Broken Heart
About Susie and Otto
Save Your Marriage
Get Your Marriage Out of the Danger
By Susie and Otto
Cindy and Emilio made a commitment to do whatever it takes
their marriage after a really rough period they went through
Their relationship has somewhat improved since the time
both of them had
affairs...but there is still a lot of
distance and conflict between them.
They seem to take a little step forward and then something
happen that leads to an argument or to one of them
withdrawing into a
This back and forth happens so frequently,
Emilio can't even determine if they're making any positive
toward saving their marriage.
It is clear to both of them that their relationship is-- and
been-- in the danger zone. They often wonder if making that
commitment to stay together was a bad idea after all.
Are you concerned that your marriage is in danger of
breaking up or
of another affair happening?
There are many signs that a marriage or love relationship is
danger and here are a few...
-- One or both of you usually withdraws or leaves when a
conversation becomes tense.
-- It is clear to you that your partner is wrong about many
most of the time.
-- Criticism (on one or both sides) is a regular occurrence
-- You expect that your spouse will lie and betray you (you
often proved correct).
-- Jealousy, accusations and suspicion frequently come up
or both of you.
-- You can't remember the last time you and your partner had
fun or shared a passionate and loving moment together.
If infidelity has happened in the past, it is understandable
some of these danger signs are present in your relationship.
take time to heal after an affair and to rebuild trust.
you feel like you are working on your relationship and
not seeing any improvements, there could be more going on.
Investigate what's tearing you two apart.
It might seem obvious that your partner's affair, your
or anything else that directly relates to the infidelity is
problem that's tearing you two apart.
If this is what's true
you, it could be frustrating that your partner is not doing
to repair the damage that he or she caused.
It is vital that the person who cheated takes responsibility
or her actions. However, this is generally only part of the
There is often so much more going on that is potentially
relationship in the danger zone.
We encourage you to investigate and find out all that you
what may be tearing you and your spouse apart.
This type of
investigation requires courage because these aren't usually
comfortable things to discover-- about your partner or
While it may be tempting to hone in on all of the habits
partner has that fuel tension, jealousy, mistrust and more,
suggest that you start with you.
Again, this isn't about your partner (who may have cheated)
"off the hook."
This is about you gaining a better
what you both might be doing that contributes to the
that you're going through.
For right now, don't make this about right and wrong.
Instead, focus on the habits that usually involve you two shutting
pulling away from one another in some form.
This is the learning that can lead to amazing changes in
Create agreements to help change disconnecting habits.
Now that you have a broader idea of what is keeping your
the danger zone, it's time to come up with an action plan.
found that agreements can be a valuable way for a couple to
disconnecting habits and bring improvements to their
We do have a couple of cautions we'd like to offer...
Agreements do NOT work when they are delivered as an
ultimatum or a
demand. Agreements are ineffective when one person says
to get the other one off his or her back.
To really bring the results you want, it's essential that
your partner create an environment of honesty, openness and
communication to the table when you make agreements.
Do your best to leave blame out of it. Taking responsibility
your share in a dynamic or your choices is valuable.
up to you to take ownership of YOUR habits.
If you find that your partner isn't taking responsibility
problem you see, you can be honest about how you feel about
particular habit without turning the conversation into a
For example, you might say "I feel afraid that you'll have
affair when you text with her" or "I worry that there's more
between you and her when you text with her as much as you
Statements like these lets your partner know how you feel
making accusations or judgments.
From there, you might propose an agreement. "Will you agree
texting with her?" may not be something that your partner is
to do, but if you both stay open, you can talk more and come
an agreement that does feel reasonable and satisfying to you
If you can't reach an agreement that you both feel good
consider getting help from a professional counselor or
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