Rebuilding Tips & Advice
Lies and Lying
Save Your Marriage
Break Up and a Broken Heart
About Susie and Otto
Save Your Marriage
Your Friendship in Order to Save Your Marriage After an Affair
By Susie and Otto Collins
Jess looks over at her husband Chris as he eats breakfast at their
kitchen table. She used to think that she knew him better than
anyone else in the world.
This belief was seriously shaken when Jess discovered that Chris was
having an affair.
It's been a couple of months since that awful day when Jess
confronted Chris about cheating and he admitted it. Chris broke off
the affair immediately and both of them have been meeting with a
Things are sort of getting back to normal between Chris and Jess,
except for the fact that when Jess looks at him now she can't help
but wonder who he really is.
It seems that she doesn't really know him as well as she used to
think she did.
When you find out that your spouse or partner has been cheating, you
might start to question what you thought you knew about your mate
and your relationship.
You may begin to wonder if, over the course of your relationship,
you two have grown into different people-- very different than the
people who fell in love so long ago.
It can seem as if you are complete strangers to one another.
If you've decided to try to rebuild trust and give your love
relationship or marriage another try, it's important for you both to
heal and restore a strong sense of trust between you.
It's also very helpful to remember-- or re-discover-- what you like
and love about one another.
Sexual intimacy and romance are wonderful ways to move closer
together again. It's also beneficial to re-kindle your friendship.
Relationship experts Drs. Charles and Elizabeth Schmitz list being
best friends AND lovers among the top characteristics of a
long-lasting and healthy marriage.
We couldn't agree more.
Re-discover why you liked one another in the first place.
Yes, you two have probably changed quite a bit since you first met
and began dating.
We don't recommend that you and your partner
attempt to go back in time and try to be people who you simply
Instead, we encourage you to look at one another as a friend--
perhaps even a best friend.
Set aside all of the assumptions that you usually make about your
mate on a daily basis. Even if you think you know what he or she
really likes and doesn't like, temporarily forget that information.
Get curious and get to know your partner all over again.
Chances are, the things that you think you know so well about your
mate are slightly different.
Have fun with this. Go do activities together that are fun and
Charles and Jess take a white water rafting trip together. This is
something that they never would have made time to do in the past--
their schedules were just too busy for it.
But, when Charles expressed an interest in getting away and trying
something exciting and new together, Jess found a nearby river where
they could experience white water rafting with a guide.
The two of them laughed and laughed as they were splashed and tossed
about. The sense of adventure and the adrenaline rush stayed with
them long after their rafting trip ended.
Rebuild trust by trading confidences.
Best friends most definitely have fun and laugh together. They also
tend to share secrets.
As close as you think you and your mate have been over the years,
there may be some aspects of yourself that you've kept hidden away
for whatever reason.
We don't recommend that you force yourself to open up your darkest
secrets to your partner unless you are truly ready to. When you
confide in another person, there has got to be a lot of trust.
On the other hand, if you choose to trade confidences with your
partner as a best friend, you can bolster trust and strengthen your
connection at the same time.
It is up to you what you share and when.
Consider the bond that can be re-established as you open up to your
partner just a little bit more.
After their white water rafting trip, Jess begins to feel more
familiarity with Chris. They are both calling, texting and e-mailing
one another throughout the work day.
They are also beginning to be more sexual with one another.
One evening, as they lay in bed together, Jess shares with Chris
some silly stories about her teen years that she's never told him
before. These aren't huge secrets about herself, but they are
amusing (and a little embarrassing) pieces of her past.
In turn, Chris tells Jess some things about his past that he's never
shared with her before.
When you are putting the pieces of your relationship back together
again after infidelity, it's absolutely essential for you and your
partner to remember why you are together-- it's because you love AND
like each other.
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