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Save Your Marriage

"Can I save my marriage when I'm not even sure he REALLY stopped the affair?"

By Susie and Otto Collins

Kendra does not know what to believe from her husband, James, anymore. She desperately wants to somehow pull her marriage to James back together again.

The trouble is, she's not sure how.

When Kendra confronted James with her suspicions that he was having an affair, he finally admitted it. He told her that he'd been cheating with a woman he works with for over 3 months now.

After a heated and emotional talk, James promised Kendra that he would end the affair and concentrate on rebuilding trust in their marriage.

This was over a month ago.

Still today, Kendra can't be sure that he really did stop the cheating. Continued questions about James' behavior nag at Kendra and stand in the way of her trusting him again.

This has caused even more distance and tension between them.

Is there hope for this marriage?

When you find out that your spouse is having (or has had) an affair and you give him or her a second chance, a lot of healing needs to happen.

You and your partner are required to step up and put in an extra effort in order for trust to begin to rebuild.

But, if you aren't even certain that your spouse followed through and ended the affair, you might feel as if healing and trust rebuilding are on hold.

How can you possibly begin to believe your spouse-- and restore your relationship-- if you don't even know for sure that he or she has fully re-committed to you?

Get clear about whether you will stay in or leave your marriage.
When you first found out about the affair, perhaps you agreed to give your mate another chance without thinking all that thoroughly about it.

Maybe your first reaction was to do whatever you could to get your spouse to stay with you and you offered less thought to whether or not staying is in your best interests.

If you have children together, you may have felt even more of an internal push to try and save your marriage... even if it meant going against what your instincts were telling you.

While we will not attempt to tell you whether you should stay or go, we will urge you to give this careful thought.

It is so important for you to give yourself permission to really consider whether staying or leaving your marriage is what's best for you (and for your children too).

Try to look at your situation from the perspective of an outsider as much as your can. This isn't about what is the "right" thing to do, this is about determining what is the wise thing to do.

*For more advice to help you decide whether to stay in or leave your marriage, click here to receive a free e-mail mini-course.

If you stay, what are your conditions?
If you do choose to stay, it's also a good idea to be very clear about the conditions of you staying.

It is most certainly true that learning to trust your spouse again after infidelity amounts to a leap of faith.

It is also true that you do NOT have to make this leap of faith blindly or in the midst of too many unresolved issues.

For example, if you aren't sure that your partner actually did end the affair, isn't it time to become more sure?

Think about what it would take for you to feel more certain that he or she has stopped
cheating and then make requests of your partner.

This might involve your partner giving you access to his or her e-mail and social network accounts as well as cell phone records.

Whatever level of transparency will help you feel more sure that the affair truly is over can make a difference.

Be sure that you are acknowledging those times when your spouse does show that he or she is trustable. Keep yourself living in the present moment and do not continually hold the past against your partner-- this will only trap you both in the pain of the past.

When you set the conditions for you staying in your marriage, be specific and be willing to follow through and, if necessary, consider leaving if your conditions are not met.

Look at the "big picture."
Because your partner is the one who cheated, the onus for being transparent and for proving trustability to you is on him or her.

At the same time, you would be missing a significant part of the "picture" if you only focused on the infidelity.

You also need to identify the relationship habits that have developed in your marriage that contributed to the distance and tension and that may have played a role in the affair happening.

This isn't about you being the one to blame for his or her affair.

This is about you realizing that some of your habits may have been partly responsible for you two moving far apart.

If your intention is to try and move closer together again-- and to rebuild trust-- you need to figure out those disconnecting habits and then practice new ones.


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Stop Talking
on Eggshells

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Contact Info
Relationship Coaches Susie and Otto Collins
PO Box 14544, Columbus, OH 43214
Contact Susie or Otto about Relationship Coaching by calling 614-459-8121.
For all other inquiries, contact us by email

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