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The Hazards of Spying on Your Partner
By Susie and Otto Collins

A video floating around the internet shows a woman who fell asleep under her husband's SUV while spying on him trying to determine if he was having an affair or not. Evidently, the woman was caught on film after becoming stuck under the SUV, with a neighborhood cat. This anecdote may strike you as sad, tragically comical or even outrageous and unbelievable.

To us, it very clearly points to one of the hazards of spying. And we're not necessarily talking about getting stuck under an SUV with a cat!

No matter how justified you feel; no matter how much suspicious behavior your partner exhibits to you; no matter how desperate you are to know the truth about what' really going on... we simply don't recommend that you spy.

It had been a long night. Alisha sat up for hours parked outside another woman's house after following her husband Eric to this location and watching him go inside.

At first Alisha raged and screamed inside the confines of her car. She almost got out and stormed up to the door of the house to confront Eric and this other woman. Finally, she just sat
and cried until she finally fell asleep.

Now, in the early morning hours, Alisha really doesn't know what she wants to do. She just feels numb and almost wishes she hadn't followed Eric here.

Are we suggesting that it's better not to spy so that your cheating partner can continue to betray you in secret? Absolutely not! We want you to know exactly what's going on in your relationship; but we don't believe that spying is the way to determine that information.

If you want to stay with your partner and rebuild your relationship, then spying will only destroy the trust that may remain between the two of you. What if you discover that your partner actually was not having an affair through your spying?

Of course, you would feel relieved on one level. But you might also feel embarrassed and not want
your mate to know that you mistrusted him or her so much that you felt like you had to spy.

If you are merely looking for evidence to support your growing desire to leave this relationship, we still advise you not to spy. Look within yourself and ask if you honestly want to come face-to-face with the "proof" you might uncover by spying.

If you are ready to end the relationship, allow yourself to make that decision based on your own needs and desires-- not due to what you find out
from spying. You can learn more from your heart and your gut than from snooping and sneaking around.

Decide what's next for you.
Alisha takes a deep breath and drives away from the house of the woman with whom her husband is probably having an affair. She stops at a coffee shop and drops down into the comfortable seat feeling exhausted.

What Alisha knows is that she is ready to end her marriage. When she thinks about it, the affair was really only one factor contributing to her decision. She and Joe have been disconnected for years now and her own interest in rebuilding their relationship has grown weaker over time.

You don't have to resort to spying in order to look within yourself and choose what you want to happen next in your relationship and life. Alisha could have stayed home instead of following Joe in order to know what she wants next.

She now realizes that the affair was not the only
thing driving she and Joe apart and leading her to ask him for a divorce.

If you feel like you truly need to know if your mate is having an affair, ask him or her. You may not trust the answer you receive; but, chances are just as likely that your partner will tell you the truth.

Perhaps your mate would finally like to have everything out in the open. If your partner denies the affair and you still don't believe the answer you've been given, we suggest that you be honest
about your mistrust. This might be the time for you two to work with a counselor or coach.

What do you want to move closer to?
Whether you end up breaking up or staying together and rebuilding your relationship, sharing your feelings and desires as openly as you can will benefit you.

Alisha realizes that as painful as a breakup with Joe will be, this has been a process that's gone on for years. She feels a sense of relief that she can now be open with him about what she wants to do and begin to move toward healing.

As you make your decision about what your next step will be, allow yourself to widen your perspective and set a goal for what you'd like to move closer to.

If you decide to stay with your partner, you may choose to take steps that will take you closer to being able to trust him or her again. Even if you decide to leave the relationship, your goal may
be to trust a future partner's words and motives and feel a deeper connection with this new person.

Making completions with the past, coming back to the present moment and turning toward the future will put you in a position to continue toward your goals and vision-- whatever they are.

There's really no need for anyone out there to resort to spying-- whether it's hiding under a partner's vehicle or opening private e-mail or cell phone records. You can become clear about how you feel about your relationship at this time and make requests for information or different behaviors to address what you want.

Ultimately, we encourage you to root yourself in this present moment and clearly communicate to your partner what you want from your relationship. Be willing to listen not only to him or her, but also to your own self and make your next step from those sources.







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Contact Info
Relationship Coaches Susie and Otto Collins
PO Box 14544, Columbus, OH 43214
Contact Susie or Otto about Relationship Coaching by calling 614-459-8121.
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