Take Spying Out of Your Love Relationship
and Open Up to Trust
By Susie and Otto Collins
It looks sexy when James Bond does it. Agent 99 from the
"Get Smart" movie makes it look suave, sleek and intriguing.
We're talking about spying, of course. In the movies spies
creep around corners, listen in on phone calls, hack
computers and use various other means to find out the truth
behind a mystery.
In a real life love relationship, however, there is
nothing suave, sleek or sexy about spying.
If you resort to
spying because you simply don't trust your partner and you
feel desperate to know what's really going on, you probably
don't feel that way either.
When you open your mate's private e-mails, check his or her
cell phone records or even follow your partner, you may find
out more information and discover the hidden truth, but none
of these actions will help you regain trust or bring you
When you envisioned your ideal love relationship, you
probably didn't include circumstances in which you felt
compelled to spy.
You may very well have "good" reasons to
check up on what your partner claims he or she has been
doing when you two are apart.
It could be that the recent past with your mate has been
filled with his or her lies which could range from so-called
white lies to full-blown
Any degree of lying can leave you feeling betrayed
and not knowing what to believe.
Your mistrust may also spring from past painful
relationships that have left you doubting the motives and
words of anybody.
Your current partner might have given you
no reason to feel uncertain, but you still can't seem to
deny your urges to check out what he or she is saying before
Let's face it. We all want to feel some sense of
certainty that what we're being told-- especially by a loved
one-- is actually honest and accurate. None of us want to
live with those fears that we are in any way being duped by
But, when it comes down to it, are any of these
seemingly "good" reasons for spying worth it? We
don't think so.
If it is your intention to be in a close, connected and
trusting love relationship, spying is taking you in the
absolute opposite direction. If you are discovered spying,
the trust your partner may feel with you will be severely
Spying isn't going to bolster the limited trust you
might have for your partner either.
And while spying might provide you with the evidence that
your fears and worries were "right" all along, you will be
even farther away from the kind of relationship you're
Question your own stories.
Perhaps your partner receives a phone call during dinner
and, upon answering the phone, he or she leaves the room
closing the door behind until the call is completed.
behavior might seem suspicious to you-- especially if your
mate has acted secretively in the past or even cheated.
Warning bells may also go off in your mind because one of
your past partners used to receive mysterious phone calls
that ended up coming from the person he or she was having an
In a case like this, if you want to play James Bond or Agent
99, do it within your own mind. Stop yourself before you put
the spy "hat" on and search your mate's phone records.
take a little bit of time to question the story that's
playing out in your mind.
You might begin by asking yourself what you know for sure to
be true. There is really nothing about taking a phone call
in privacy that necessarily indicates that a person is
having an affair.
You might even recognize that your
relationship with your mate has felt more connected lately.
It can become confusing to know what's true for
you right now and what is more rooted in past experiences.
That's why questioning your own assumptions first rather
than jumping into spying is often a wise choice.
Request more information when you need it.
To address the worries you might still be feeling after
questioning your stories, we still encourage you not to spy.
Take some deep breaths.
Try to formulate questions that you
could pose to your mate that will not be accusatory or put
him or her on the defensive.
You might calmly ask your partner if everything is alright
pertaining to the private phone call. You could express that
you are curious about the call and would be interested to
hear more about it if your mate is willing to share.
best to come from a place of curiosity rather than
There are no guarantees that your partner will tell you more
about the private call. But this doesn't
automatically mean that he or she is having an affair!
There are any number of other reasons for his or her
It is possible that your partner could lie when responding
to your request for more information. This is part of the
risk we all take in relationships.
We encourage you to take
those trust leaps from a conscious and clear place.
And you truly cannot be in that place of clarity when you
Listen to your gut feelings as you acknowledge and then let
go of your fears.
Base your conclusions on the evidence that
you know to be true and on information shared by your
partner that seems logical to you.
This is truly the best
path if you want more openness, connection and
trust to build between you and your mate.