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Spying
 

Take Spying Out of Your Love Relationship and Open Up to Trust
By Susie and Otto Collins

It looks sexy when James Bond does it. Agent 99 from the "Get Smart" movie makes it look suave, sleek and intriguing.

We're talking about spying, of course. In the movies spies creep around corners, listen in on phone calls, hack computers and use various other means to find out the truth behind a mystery.

In a real life love relationship, however, there is
nothing suave, sleek or sexy about spying.

If you resort to spying because you simply don't trust your partner and you feel desperate to know what's really going on, you probably don't feel that way either.

When you open your mate's private e-mails, check his or her cell phone records or even follow your partner, you may find out more information and discover the hidden truth, but none of these actions will help you regain trust or bring you closer together.

When you envisioned your ideal love relationship, you probably didn't include circumstances in which you felt compelled to spy.

You may very well have "good" reasons to check up on what your partner claims he or she has been doing when you two are apart.

It could be that the recent past with your mate has been filled with his or her lies which could range from so-called white lies to full-blown
whoppers.

Any degree of lying can leave you feeling betrayed and not knowing what to believe.

Your mistrust may also spring from past painful relationships that have left you doubting the motives and words of anybody.

Your current partner might have given you no reason to feel uncertain, but you still can't seem to deny your urges to check out what he or she is saying before believing.

Let's face it. We all want to feel some sense of
certainty that what we're being told-- especially by a loved one-- is actually honest and accurate. None of us want to live with those fears that we are in any way being duped by a partner.

But, when it comes down to it, are any of these seemingly "good" reasons for spying worth it? We
don't think so.

If it is your intention to be in a close, connected and trusting love relationship, spying is taking you in the absolute opposite direction. If you are discovered spying, the trust your partner may feel with you will be severely damaged.

Spying isn't going to bolster the limited trust you might have for your partner either.

And while spying might provide you with the evidence that your fears and worries were "right" all along, you will be even farther away from the kind of relationship you're wanting.

Question your own stories.
Perhaps your partner receives a phone call during dinner and, upon answering the phone, he or she leaves the room closing the door behind until the call is completed.

This behavior might seem suspicious to you-- especially if your mate has acted secretively in the past or even cheated.

Warning bells may also go off in your mind because one of your past partners used to receive mysterious phone calls that ended up coming from the person he or she was having an affair with.

In a case like this, if you want to play James Bond or Agent 99, do it within your own mind. Stop yourself before you put the spy "hat" on and search your mate's phone records.

Just take a little bit of time to question the story that's playing out in your mind.

You might begin by asking yourself what you know for sure to be true. There is really nothing about taking a phone call in privacy that necessarily indicates that a person is having an affair.

You might even recognize that your relationship with your mate has felt more connected lately.

It can become confusing to know what's true for
you right now and what is more rooted in past experiences.

That's why questioning your own assumptions first rather than jumping into spying is often a wise choice.

Request more information when you need it.
To address the worries you might still be feeling after questioning your stories, we still encourage you not to spy. Take some deep breaths.

Try to formulate questions that you could pose to your mate that will not be accusatory or put him or her on the defensive.

You might calmly ask your partner if everything is alright pertaining to the private phone call. You could express that you are curious about the call and would be interested to hear more about it if your mate is willing to share.

Do your best to come from a place of curiosity rather than insecurity.

There are no guarantees that your partner will tell you more about the private call. But this doesn't
automatically mean that he or she is having an affair!  There are any number of other reasons for his or her behavior.

It is possible that your partner could lie when responding to your request for more information. This is part of the risk we all take in relationships.

We encourage you to take those trust leaps from a conscious and clear place.  And you truly cannot be in that place of clarity when you are spying.

Listen to your gut feelings as you acknowledge and then let go of your fears.

Base your conclusions on the evidence that you know to be true and on information shared by your partner that seems logical to you.

This is truly the best path if you want more openness, connection and trust to build between you and your mate.




 


 

 

 

 

 




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PO Box 14544, Columbus, OH 43214
Contact Susie or Otto about Relationship Coaching by calling 614-459-8121.
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